Mother
Where Art Thou
I
often wonder what life would have been like. If my mother wasn't
quite the person that she is. Would my brother and I still be the
same people we are now? Or would we be changed because of it? If she
had kept us, would we have lived different lives? Maybe she would
have loved us, I mean truly absolutely loved us the way that a parent
should. Would she be different for loving us the way a parent loves?
Or would she be the same miserable person who seeks out despair
because it's the only way she knows to feel? But it's silly to
wonder these things, because she isn't this kind of person.
She
will never, has never loved us the way a mother really should, after
all she spent nine months with us tucked inside her tummy. Our
heartbeats were hers, her voice our center, our lives completely
dependent on her actions, and her actions completely determined by
us. So in these months of intimate moments, where we were one with
her, how could she feel nothing? How can she not be hurt by leaving
us, or never seeing us, or finding reasons for breaking promises and
hearts?
How
could she not feel the way that I do? In all those small moments
where she'd promised to call, or promised to come take me to do
something, how could she not know? I remember every promise and
every single lie. I remember waiting on the deck, waiting on the
porch, waiting by the phone. For her to call, for her to care, for
her to love. But she could never be this person. Not to me not to
my brother, not to my nieces.
Some
days it makes me sad, to think of all the days shes lost. Not only
with us, but with my brother's two beautiful daughters. All because
she still cannot break herself from the patterns that she follows,
over and over and over. She cannot break her cycle of lies.
I
am a lucky daughter. To have been raised by a parent who loves me.
A parent who gave up everything to keep me. He's with me every
moment, and every single trial. He supports me when I make bad
choices, and has always taught me what's right. He went to every
softball game, and took me to every football game where we cheered
out our lungs out for my brother. He stands never breaking, firmly
at our sides. Loving us even in our mistakes, and joys, and trials,
and hardships.
I
am and always will be grateful, because I am a blessed daughter.
But
never because of you.
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